It’s funny how things become harder the longer you leave them. Skip the gym one day? No big deal you’ll get back on it the next day usually. Leave it for 2 weeks/one month/a year etc and you’ll make excuse after excuse as to why you’re not going to go today. Then there is how days become weeks which then turn into months when you leave it too long to pick up the phone and call somebody who at one point in your life, you’d spend hours each day hearing about every minor detail of their life. You could talk for hours and hours about everything and anything. Then you drift so much that the person who at one point you confided in above everybody else, is now a stranger. You don’t know where to start and all you can muster is small talk; ‘How are you, how’s work, any plans for the summer’. Standard bullshit that you give to the guy you run into on the bus that you were in school with but you never particularly liked anyway. We all let it happen. That’s how I feel about writing this blog right now.
The last time I updated this blog it was 2015. I was still living in Malta, and was planning on coming home for Christmas for the first time in a few years to catch up with everybody and attend my Dad’s wedding. Here I am, 2017 and that flying visit was anything but. I’m extremely happy to be home surrounded by all my friends and family. Is that enough? Have I adequately updated everybody from my last post in 2015? Probably not. The only reason I was planning on writing a new blog was to give a trip report on my recent visit to New York, as plenty of people were asking about it during the stream and I felt I wasn’t doing it justice with a few sentences in between ‘Ok so we’re going to shove our top pair here for value’ ‘Quickly going to jump in the Big $33’. I wrote the 1st three paragraphs of the trip report. I even spent about 45 minutes picking my favorite 15 photos which would feature in the blog. Then I just had to delete the lot. I felt like one of those ‘Instagram Queens’, who portray their lives to be something they’re not. Admittedly a lot of people had asked me about New York so it’s a small bit different. However, it has been 18 months since I updated this blog, and here I was talking about going to the fucking ballet in New York and burlesque shows on Valentine’s night. That’s not my life on a day to day basis. Don’t get me wrong, I’m incredibly lucky. I’ve a level of freedom most people in the world could only dream about and have incredible people around me at all times. It just felt a little fake to me. So literally right now I’ve realised this is going to be a bit of a rant and I’m just going to go with the flow and see where it takes me.
I was also a small bit annoyed with myself for not recording more footage in New York. I went over with the intention of coming back with enough footage to put together a really cool vlog (so the blog was really just a shitty second option). I forgot the charger for my camera and used it as an excuse. That’s all it was. An excuse. I have an iPhone with a more than good enough camera to make a fun and entertaining blog. I’m not Steven Spielberg trying to direct the next academy award winning movie. I just wanted something fun that I could look back on with fondness in years to come and share with my regular viewers in the stream. Still, I just made an excuse. The worst part is I also really enjoy video editing, which may surprise a few considering the lack of content I’ve put out in the last few months. I think it stems from the fact I don’t really have any talents i.e writing music and playing it or turning a blank canvas into a painting people admire etc. Essentially creating anything. There’s a real sense of fulfillment when you put together a video from scratch. I don’t think I’ve really ever had that with anything else. The few problems I have is, one, right now I suck at it. It’s tedious and takes time and practice. It would take me 4 hours + to edit down a 10 minute video of me doing day to day things. I just don’t have that time with the goals I’ve set out for the year, which I’ll get to in a little bit. Secondly, I’ve zero problems pointing a camera in my own face when I’m alone being the narcissist I am . However, when I’m with people I don’t enjoy it at all. I hate the times we’re in where people will take pictures of their food before they eat, will spend an entire concert looking at it through their phone screen which is in HD (WHICH IS NOTHING COMPARED TO WHAT YOUR EYES ARE CAPABLE OF) so they can post it to Instagram so Bob and Sally that they couldn’t care less about get to see what a great life they have and finally my least favorite, will be sitting around a dinner table texting other people rather than enjoying the company of those they are actually with. So it’s just completely unnatural for me to have a camera out in a lot of situations where if I want to make good vlogs in the future, I’ll just have to be a hypocrite and be that guy who I look at with disdain across the restaurant taking multiple snaps to find the ‘perfect’ one of his food as it gets cold.
What are these goals you speak of Fintan aye? (people love when you talk about yourself in the third person). Well I’m so glad you asked….. That’s enough. At the beginning of the year I made myself one promise, and that was that I was going to get better at poker. I’m not looking to become one of the elite regs. Which wouldn’t even be possibly if I intend to keep streaming. I can however do a lot more, and I will. I have been studying way more and made a very good start to the year but in April I will have been playing the game full time for 5 years. I have come nowhere near to maximizing how much money I could have made playing poker. I’ve been a lazy mediocre reg the entire time. I’ve absolutely no doubt at some point down the line I’ll look back with regret that I didn’t put 100% effort into poker. Taking off far too much time and not putting in even 10% of the study I should have. As long as I can remember people have been saying that poker is dying and there is no doubt it’s getting tougher, but if you put the work in, the money is as of now 100% still there to be made. I don’t think I have a choice but to improve if I want to continue playing as a profession. These stables like bit2b and BBZ are operating on a whole other level to what’s been done before. I’d love to be part of either stable and completely immerse myself in the community, learning off some of the best every day but I’m not ready to give up on streaming just yet. I’m making enough money off streaming now where I could support myself to live a very modest lifestyle. This has given me something I’ve never had before. A sense of security. I moved out of home when I was 19, supporting myself with a job before I moved on to poker. Ever since I went full time, poker always scared me a small bit. I was always afraid of the variance, nobody is above it. What if I went on a downswing for a full year? What was I going to do. While many of my friends moved up through the stakes, I played off peak, I moved to SnGs. I always played it safe. This has resulted in me never getting dropped in makeup over the years when backed or never needing to take out a loan of any significance. Part of me does wonder ‘what if’ I hadn’t been paralyzed by the fear of going broke and ending up back at home with my tail between my legs, having failed as a ‘gambler’. Maybe I would have been that guy who won 3 scoops in one series. Who knows. All I know is I don’t want that to happen again with twitch. I will have a level of consistency this year I’ve never had before in streaming and hopefully as I improve I’ll have much more deep runs with higher amounts of money for 1st and just generally be a better poker player to watch. Will I ever explode and grow to the point where I’m competing with the likes of Parker and Jcarver? My income from streaming greatly surpassing that of my income of poker? Unlikely. I’m just not going to leave it as a ‘what if’ this time. I’m just going to do and find out. I’m going to put a list of monthly goals in a new section in my discord channel and be accountable for them. I’ve often offered free rolls as an incentive in the past to complete goals. This time I’m just going to do it for myself. I welcome others to post their goals too.
Maybe it’ll be another 18 months before I update my blog. I’ll be a sponsored pro on some site. Have the best video editor available (which something I just can’t justify right now even though I’d love it) , producing daily content on my runs in tournaments such as Super Tuesday and Thursday Thrill (not actually really my goal to play theses fwiw). Be in the best shape I’ve been and look back in disgust at the little pot belly I have right now from too much good food on our travels. Or maybe I’ll have done fuck all. I’ll be in the exact same position. Or even possibly let the game pass me by. If that’s the case I’ll have nobody but myself to blame as I talk about the glory days when I played poker for thousands of dollars per day in my PJs from the comfort of my own home. I’ll be like that guy who ‘almost made it at Millwall mate’.